my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
