Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
