Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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