I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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