Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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