Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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