I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
