Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
