i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
How's work?
Spinning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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