Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
