I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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