If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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