I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
