finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize