Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
