What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
