and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize