Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
