All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
