youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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