If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
