Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
