Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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