I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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