You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
