just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
