I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
