it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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