We're facebook friends in real life
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
