1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
