fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so let's talk penis.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This toilet bowl is my home.
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