i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
