I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
