Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
