Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
