I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
