you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
