You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
