fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
