remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
