i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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