Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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