Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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