I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
