I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
