You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
