guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
