I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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