she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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