This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
