i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
