we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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