thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
