Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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