The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize