jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
