I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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