Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
