Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
