I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
