Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
