You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
