The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
