thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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