capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
