hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
