rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize