I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
